It's been almost 2 months since the cast came off.
2 months of feeling the air on the skin of my leg again. 2 months of wearing a pair of shoes on my feet instead of just one lonely shoe. 2 months of standing up in the shower, walking to the grocery store...you know, your basic human stuff.
Also, 2 months of realizing how much damage has taken place; of appreciating the subtle balance that takes place in the bones, the muscles, the joints, the tendons when the body is functioning properly... and the utter chaos that takes place when it is not.
I am in constant pain from the moment I wake up until just before I fall asleep. It's a roll of the dice every day as to what is going to hurt, but hurting is practically guaranteed. On a good day, I can do a little bit of stretching and be good to go. On a bad day, like yesterday, the pain is radiating from my bones, my joints, and my organs, and getting out of bed is not an option.
I know I've come so far in the past seven (SEVEN) months, and what I'm feeling is normal for how long I was off my feet. I also want to fling myself on the ground and have a screaming tantrum because I just want my body back to the way it was before the accident.
Finding a good locus between the good and the bad is evading me.
The above statement also applies to how I feel about current events in the United States.
There's not much else I can say about what's going on in this country that hasn't already been said. But, much like my broken body, this broken political system makes me feel sad, furious, and helpless. How can you possibly feel hope in the face of extreme despair? How can you see both simultaneously?
I'm not a religious person by any means, but the spiritual teachings of the Tao Te Ching have always appealed to me, specifically the passages about balance. The idea that light only exists because dark does as well. And so, in difficult times, the darkest challenges also present the opportunities to shine brightly.
I am trying to focus on the shining light manifesting in the generous and brave acts of people donating, and volunteering, and speaking out against the deeply fucked up shit that is happening in the US right now.
There is shining light in my body too, I know.
This is much harder to find.
I hope I find it soon.
